Ok, it is official, I will be a Florida state employee on the 21st of this month. Wow.
For years, it seems that the men who run things in this country have been dancing around the implication that women aren’t people, at least when put up against other, more important things like men, corporations, zygotes, and male feelings. But now, finally, in the year 2014, two generations removed from the first Supreme Court case that established that states can’t make it illegal to purchase contraception, five dudes on the highest court in the land have put this in writing. It’s not that women don’t matter, it’s that they matter measurably less than a corporation’s “conscience.”
Well, I am soon to become an employee of the state of Florida. A welcome home finally?
Well, I have heard from at least one party that when applying for state jobs they only select eight candidates for interviews. That would mean that in those positions where they get some hundred plus applicants, I find myself ahead of the pack enough to score that high at least. Using the same logic, if I keep scoring interviews, surely once I get to the point where I have done eight of them, I could hope that in at least one case I might be the one to score high enough to be granted the position? I’ll try to be positive about it at least. Bearing all of the above in mind, I am doing my seventh interview tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning. It still seems a trifle of an irritation that the interview popped up exactly at the same time we were going to be moving, but maybe that is just karma fucking with me. I think the biggest irritation about trying for the state jobs has to be the four to six week wait before you learn if you get a job after doing the interview. They have even admitted that by the time they are permitted by the head HR people in Tallahassee to call the preferred candidate, many times they find that person already happily employed elsewhere and disinclined from changing positions. Tis a system full of folly in my opinion, but if I can get in on a state job, twould be great for the better income and amazing for having benefits again. I have tried to keep my applications local, since we are rather enjoying where we are at, but there have been the occasional higher paying jobs that have drawn me to interviews as far away as Fort Lauderdale. It would be great to stay in the free housing situation we have at the moment, but many of the jobs I am hunting for might include that anyway so perhaps we will stay here, or perhaps moved somewhere else within the state. The only real constant is that we are trying to stay south of Ocala for sure. I’ve no interest nor reason to ever stray up that far north again and I rather doubt I am missed by anything up that far either.
It may happen… I got an email asking me to fill out a bit more paperwork for a “recommendation package” that one of my applied positions is putting together to send to Tallahassee. That pretty much means that they will be asking me to take a job, so long as the head HR people up there see fit to take me on. I am scared to death. Am I still up to doing a job like some of what I have applied for? My body is not broken by any means, but I fear the scars and years together might make this too hard for me. Perhaps Sarah is right and I am plenty strong and capable enough, but I worry so about letting my family down. They are depending on me to make this happen. If I can manage to get a state position, I would take it as our new home finally and completely welcoming us. We have suffered much to keep ourselves in our new home, and done all we had to in order to keep our heads above water. We will overcome, if for no other reason, merely my insufferable inability to give up or knuckle under. Unlike many, I know what fights are worth the effort, and which should never even be taken up. In this though, I will keep fighting until I succeed or die from my efforts. My family, especially my children need me to keep bashing at the brick wall, even if it costs a cracked cranium from my efforts. Keep hammering, no matter the cost, for all of our sakes and happeiness.
Things between Sarah and myself have not changed save for perhaps not being as active as we might like with each other due to the constant strain and work required of our circumstance. We still fight as a team, support each other in all that we do, and enjoy being with the other immensely. Perfect is a long stretch, but with all we have been through, it is pretty obvious that nothing will ever break us. We get slammed down and life sees fit to put a foot on our back rather than offer a hand to help us up, and not only do we rise up and keep fighting, we do it together and with an eye on the other for moments of weakness where we might need to defend or help the other. There have been moments of despair, of that there can be no doubt, but when we see those moments in ourselves or the other, we move to help. We are a great team, despite my doubts and worries about her really needing me in the past. We are too damned tough and stubborn to give up on moving forward with our dreams, and too oddly optimistic to do anything other than hope and fight.
I miss those I had hoped would also be friends throughout my life, and I will hope that situation resolves itself positively someday as well. Finding me for them will never be hard, should they ever want to reclaim the friendship and love that will always reside in my heart for them. The silence goes on for weeks and perhaps even months at time of late, and I hope that merely means the situation does not allow for contact, rather than some lack of interest. I will never give up though. I love for a lifetime, and I know too well how much my friendship meant for those years we shared it. I won’t give up. Not now or ever. I had an odd thought recently about the material we are made of… the old phrase is that we are all “star stuff” cast off from the explosion of some star in the titanically distant past. That being the case, who is to say we do not share in our origins? That we do share in the soul of a star? Perhaps the very atoms of our body were once aligned together within that awesome past celestial body and even now have some strange memory of one another? I burn with a passion not normally found amongst the paltry populace of the species I am a member of, and perhaps I was more the heart of our star than others. My soul seems a strange one, and I am finally learning it is because it really is an awesome heart I have. A greater will, stronger hopes, deeper passions, and a mind capable of bringing all of those together. It is late in life that I see more of myself and the truths those around me have been teaching me all along, but it is not too late to create something beautiful of all of that. Thank you for your part in teaching me, and I hope too I have given you something worthy in trade. I will always love you.