Ok, it is official, I will be a Florida state employee on the 21st of this month. Wow.
For years, it seems that the men who run things in this country have been dancing around the implication that women aren’t people, at least when put up against other, more important things like men, corporations, zygotes, and male feelings. But now, finally, in the year 2014, two generations removed from the first Supreme Court case that established that states can’t make it illegal to purchase contraception, five dudes on the highest court in the land have put this in writing. It’s not that women don’t matter, it’s that they matter measurably less than a corporation’s “conscience.”
Well, I am soon to become an employee of the state of Florida. A welcome home finally?
Well, I have heard from at least one party that when applying for state jobs they only select eight candidates for interviews. That would mean that in those positions where they get some hundred plus applicants, I find myself ahead of the pack enough to score that high at least. Using the same logic, if I keep scoring interviews, surely once I get to the point where I have done eight of them, I could hope that in at least one case I might be the one to score high enough to be granted the position? I’ll try to be positive about it at least. Bearing all of the above in mind, I am doing my seventh interview tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning. It still seems a trifle of an irritation that the interview popped up exactly at the same time we were going to be moving, but maybe that is just karma fucking with me. I think the biggest irritation about trying for the state jobs has to be the four to six week wait before you learn if you get a job after doing the interview. They have even admitted that by the time they are permitted by the head HR people in Tallahassee to call the preferred candidate, many times they find that person already happily employed elsewhere and disinclined from changing positions. Tis a system full of folly in my opinion, but if I can get in on a state job, twould be great for the better income and amazing for having benefits again. I have tried to keep my applications local, since we are rather enjoying where we are at, but there have been the occasional higher paying jobs that have drawn me to interviews as far away as Fort Lauderdale. It would be great to stay in the free housing situation we have at the moment, but many of the jobs I am hunting for might include that anyway so perhaps we will stay here, or perhaps moved somewhere else within the state. The only real constant is that we are trying to stay south of Ocala for sure. I’ve no interest nor reason to ever stray up that far north again and I rather doubt I am missed by anything up that far either.
It may happen… I got an email asking me to fill out a bit more paperwork for a “recommendation package” that one of my applied positions is putting together to send to Tallahassee. That pretty much means that they will be asking me to take a job, so long as the head HR people up there see fit to take me on. I am scared to death. Am I still up to doing a job like some of what I have applied for? My body is not broken by any means, but I fear the scars and years together might make this too hard for me. Perhaps Sarah is right and I am plenty strong and capable enough, but I worry so about letting my family down. They are depending on me to make this happen. If I can manage to get a state position, I would take it as our new home finally and completely welcoming us. We have suffered much to keep ourselves in our new home, and done all we had to in order to keep our heads above water. We will overcome, if for no other reason, merely my insufferable inability to give up or knuckle under. Unlike many, I know what fights are worth the effort, and which should never even be taken up. In this though, I will keep fighting until I succeed or die from my efforts. My family, especially my children need me to keep bashing at the brick wall, even if it costs a cracked cranium from my efforts. Keep hammering, no matter the cost, for all of our sakes and happeiness.
Things between Sarah and myself have not changed save for perhaps not being as active as we might like with each other due to the constant strain and work required of our circumstance. We still fight as a team, support each other in all that we do, and enjoy being with the other immensely. Perfect is a long stretch, but with all we have been through, it is pretty obvious that nothing will ever break us. We get slammed down and life sees fit to put a foot on our back rather than offer a hand to help us up, and not only do we rise up and keep fighting, we do it together and with an eye on the other for moments of weakness where we might need to defend or help the other. There have been moments of despair, of that there can be no doubt, but when we see those moments in ourselves or the other, we move to help. We are a great team, despite my doubts and worries about her really needing me in the past. We are too damned tough and stubborn to give up on moving forward with our dreams, and too oddly optimistic to do anything other than hope and fight.
I miss those I had hoped would also be friends throughout my life, and I will hope that situation resolves itself positively someday as well. Finding me for them will never be hard, should they ever want to reclaim the friendship and love that will always reside in my heart for them. The silence goes on for weeks and perhaps even months at time of late, and I hope that merely means the situation does not allow for contact, rather than some lack of interest. I will never give up though. I love for a lifetime, and I know too well how much my friendship meant for those years we shared it. I won’t give up. Not now or ever. I had an odd thought recently about the material we are made of… the old phrase is that we are all “star stuff” cast off from the explosion of some star in the titanically distant past. That being the case, who is to say we do not share in our origins? That we do share in the soul of a star? Perhaps the very atoms of our body were once aligned together within that awesome past celestial body and even now have some strange memory of one another? I burn with a passion not normally found amongst the paltry populace of the species I am a member of, and perhaps I was more the heart of our star than others. My soul seems a strange one, and I am finally learning it is because it really is an awesome heart I have. A greater will, stronger hopes, deeper passions, and a mind capable of bringing all of those together. It is late in life that I see more of myself and the truths those around me have been teaching me all along, but it is not too late to create something beautiful of all of that. Thank you for your part in teaching me, and I hope too I have given you something worthy in trade. I will always love you.
What to say, what to think… how to go about getting out some of my recent experience is almost beyond me at times. I think this is going to become something more along the lines of my public diary, since I am no longer sure that anyone really has any interest in reading it anymore. Just my catharsis laid out for anyone to peruse.
One of the biggest items that take up a bit of my time worrying at is that I seemingly have no family outside of those here in the state with me. I suspect I know the situation up north and how things played out well enough to outline it fairly clearly. To some extent this will require an explanation of my elder sister. She is nothing short of a home grown southern bitch, and if you know me at all, you know I am not prone to saying such things. My mother lamented “whatever she did wrong” with her, my own experiences over the year indicate nothing much that is redeemable about her, and present circumstance rather strongly indicates that my estrangement from my past family is engineered by her. She was the child that wanted to stay hiding in amongst the hay bails we played upon as kids in an effort to avoid helping the parents put up groceries we knew were coming home. Even as a young child, I knew they had gone to some trouble to procure us food, and wanted to do my part to help out. Not so her, she would sooner parasitize them sooner than help, and over the years only got better at hiding that rather than the habit truly going away. I wonder sometimes if she does not harbor anger at my parents for not leaving her some sort of inheritance? It would be about her speed. In any event, when my few made the choice to leave behind what was in the place that shall not be named and moved down here, she had been romancing some poor schmoe for a time, but I knew nothing past that. The poor fool had my sympathy, but little else. Not too many months after our move, she informs us they are to be married some months later. At that time, we were struggling to provide food for our children, and were paying one week to the next on our rental spot. Not exactly a condition one might think conducive towards gallivanting about the country to attend a wedding. She knew this. We made little secret of the fact that we were in a painful spot. Never did we hear any talk of aid, nor anything else that might have helped us think anything positive about their opinion on our choices. Even Sarah’s family has been more supportive. I suspect we were supposed to stay back there in hell, and possibly even kowtow to her whilst spinning our wheels there for a life that the place itself would never have allowed. Easier to pursue dreams in the seventh circle of hell than to hope for much out of that horrible little hole of a place in the long run. We skipped the wedding, obviously, and since that time have heard but little from them. My suspicion is that as we succeed in making ourselves planted and stable here, we will hear even less. While we were something she could have held up as her doing a good deed for her brother and his kids, we were of interest, especially as she had no other children to sink her hooks into. She is deliriously right wing, and if she knew just how strongly I disagreed with her worship of all things backwards and hateful, I most certainly would never hear from her again.
The final analysis though is that I have no family outside of those who depend on me directly. I swore to my mother’s body and perhaps spirit that I would care for her grandchildren no matter the cost. That seems to be what I must do now. They see our choices as nothing short of us abandoning that old place that I only barely escaped, and my sisters never did. In a way they are correct. I have abandoned a place that would mean nothing but misery for my children, and set them on a path towards something I hope will be better. It is all opinion, but I see little future for my kids in a place of worsening climactic conditions, and almost no economic hope. The last time I sent my elder sister any sort of note, it was to let her know we were doing ok, and had a new phone number to contact us at. It was a nice little note, and aimed at trying to reestablish some measure of contact after we were reduced to near beggars whilst they never even inquired at our condition. It was met with a single word response and only two letters. “Ok.” Never have I felt more dismissed and disinteresting in such a single stroke. I fear for my father and younger sister caught in the grasp of her self-absorbed life, but both of them have had the means for years to be done with her if they so choose. I escaped that place, her hatefulness, and now look forward to a more hopeful future. Here is hoping I find friends down here finally, instead of more disturbingly apathetic and sometimes downright hateful people based solely on their opinion of my way of living life.
On the note of new people though, I had the unfortunate experience of meeting a new ranger recently transferred into our park. She will be taking our place here while we move back to the one we hosted at last year. I was telling another fellow who has been here for a while of my efforts to secure a new job, and the subject had drifted to state jobs. I even told him of a position just next door to here that I was applying for at which point “she” spoke up. She discouraged me from attempting such a job, and discouraged me from trying for such jobs in general based on little but her assurances that it was too difficult to obtain such employ and she was attempting to visit a kindness on my by sparing me the effort. She even went so far as to mention her aspirations for similar such employ and that she had been consistently denied despite her qualifications which she then began to list at some annoying length. Now a bit about this situation that one must bear in mind; she had never met me before, and knew extremely little about me personally or professionally, she continued her barrage against my trying for such even in the face of positive affirmation that I knew the difficulties but had to try for my children’s sake, and finally she did all of this with an absolute confidence that it was a “kindness” to keep me from “wasting the effort and enduring the heartache.” How much heartache is there in struggeling to feed one’s children? How much is it a kindness to try and steal hope from a person’s heart? I suppose it should come as no surprise that I was a sassy bitch in return and mentioned that “a kindness that destroys hope seems to me a ill-disguised cruelty.” She clammed up at that point, and it was only later that I found out she is trying for many of the exact same jobs. The audacity of the woman to pull such garbage and bill it as anything other than self-serving is astounding. I have gotten many rumors and even loudly said comments about her since then, and apparently being a horrid example of humanity is rather her forte. It never ceases to stun me though how low people can sink. In her situation I would have advised the fact that we were both gunning for that same spot, and even wished the other luck, not tried to vanquish an opponent in such a way that also dashed their hopes needlessly. Perhaps I am too good of a person to get by in this world? Perhaps though there is a reason she claimed over fifty failed interview for such positions? It is a legitimate thought I should imagine that she interviews as poorly as she seems to make an impression on people. Oh well, she can be as horrid as she likes, and I will just ignore her sorry attitude and keep moving forward.
We will be moving back to our original park next week and I suppose it is mostly a positive thing, so long as we can adapt to the new spot we will be parked in. No huge thing, just a few little odds and ends things that we will have to worry though before we can be comfortable there again. Since the “she” ranger from the above paragraph will be “replacing” us, and there seems to exist some doubts at both how well she will perform here, and how well perform here. I hope we don’t end up having to move back here to replace her again, but it would make us look a lot better.