GrowerGuy

I am trying hard to get myself back into gainful employ again. Whilst that is a good thing, it might have some long term effects that will not work out so well, but likely that is fairly minor. I interviewed on the 29th for a forest ranger position that would take me down into the Glades fighting invasive plants and such. I am not overly worried about myself surviving in such a place either literally or figuratively, but I do rather worry about taking Sarah and the kids to such a seemingly tough place to live. It is not just the greatest paying of positions, but working for the state would hopefully allow me to transition to other state jobs with better pay with a little time. It would also be better pay than what we are seeing now, especially if they could offer us a free place to live as was sort of indicated might be possible. The state positions often have places to hook up campers near worksites or in the state parks so that they can pay the staff low wages, but still allow them to get by ok since many of their expenses cease to exist. It would also be working under people of my sort, the geeks and nerds who are into biology and science, so that could possibly be a nice perk. As long as they aren’t insane MDs who want to blame you for the research going wrong when they cannot seem to perform it correctly in the first place and have to misinterpret the results to justify their funding. No, I am not bitter at the past, whatever would make you think such a thing? ;) Kidding really, I do hope someday the crap that is going on in those labs is brought to light and those who made me suffer get their just desserts, but I really just want to look forward now. Being poorer here than we were back there and still being happier I suppose is a strong indicator of how miserable the place had begun to make me. I have literally been pumping out in excess of ten applications or more every week for positions all over the state. Some places I am a little more hesitant about than others, like say moving to Miami, but very little is holding me in this area anyway. I might rather stay on this side of the state for a variety of reasons, but while chasing down money and stability, I will not be overly picky so long it is south of the “temperate” zone that we wanted to hard to get out of. I had jokingly suggested to Sarah that if we keep moving south bit by bit, that we may eventually just end up in Key West or perhaps feeling a need to jump out of the country altogether. I just hope that I can raise my family up and out of the troubles we are in, and actually get started putting together our own place and future.

Not all is goodness and hope, apparently Michelle and Sarah are going to be “just friends” for the foreseeable future, which is rather the disappointment to me after trying so hard to help them towards something better. I suppose being friends is a better outcome than what could have been, but it is still something of a bitter pill. In the meantime, I am still doing the lonesome at home dad job. I do have the truck to get out with, but little money or cause to pursue travels out and about at the moment. Many days I am pinned down by the need to keep up with the park and all anyway. I am hoping that a good job will be found and all these troubles will begin to fade away. We are practically guaranteed a place to stay even into next spring thanks to the job I am doing here. There is something of a nagging worry that those I am working for now would be of little help getting a new job because they want me to stay at what I am doing now, but I guess a little trust is required once in a while, right? Just keep trying no matter what. I still plan on having a place full of flowers that I can bring my few friends to and show them those creations I named just for them. Yours will be there…

I am sorry for my doubts which prompt me towards worries of being forgotten. I know your knowledge of me encompasses a full awareness of why I have such doubts just by nature, and the situation certainly does not help. I am trying hard not to be “demanding” or “needy” in any appreciable way, but I feel so keenly your absence in my life.  For several years you were a daily part of what got me by, and I wonder if I would have been able to stand dealing with that place as long as I did without you “there” helping me along. To say that I “miss” you is a terrible understatement, and painful in how little the language seems capable of capturing what I have felt these months with so little sign that I am any part of your heart. Your absence has been akin to what I feel when I consider some of the other things lost to me through the course of life. When I think on the crushing of my left hand, the scars it bears as a result, and the absence of the artistic ability I once had; that is the sort of feeling that your absence brings to me. Something that one knows is mostly gone, and only dim shades of it remain, the occasional sketch or doodle that still reminds me of what I once could do. There are those that prompt me towards practicing on it, but I still find it a bitter thing to do, and really I find that I wish more to create more truly and my ability in this matter seemed more like copying beauty rather than the creation of it. In much the same way I wish I could do more for your life. I wish I could add some measure of artistry and beauty instead of staying back, keeping out, and only lamenting what I might have hoped to be. As it stands though, I suppose my role is to be patient as we both know I can be. To wait, and hope, and keep giving what I can to allow happy and healthy growth. I will always encourage everything I can in a positive direction, I just have little idea anymore how things are, or how I can help to accomplish that.  I will wait, and hope, and ever keep you in my thoughts. To do otherwise would be a disservice to the friendship we built. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me my lapses and doubts. There are so many struggles before us both, and I wish we could do more to help each other along with them. I hope you are well, I know you are still as beautiful as ever in all the ways I always told you I can see in you. I hate that we became so close, and now much keep such distance… I love you.

-Yours still and always