No matter how it works out that you put a little icon up on the corner, I do enjoy seeing it. Though I have to admit that I worry still that you are not getting all of my notes back, either the ones written to your ask box, or the ones I post. It seems at times that you are perhaps getting one out of the ten I send your way. It is truly maddening to think that I am throwing out so much effort and tumblr is constantly dropping the ball. Just so damned unsure of it and really not any better way right now due to the limitations of your situation. Patience is my greatest virtue though, right? I do not feel much like I am overly virtuous in that regard these days, but I suppose it is all determined by manner of comparison, no? Seeing as how most would not find me overly burdened with morals in the first place, one is forced to wonder if I should just forget any attempts to be virtuous at all? Wonders also abound that you ever found any virtue within me to earn your long term interest as a friend.
The work here is quite a bit more along the lines of things that I have always enjoyed in my personal life, so it is my hope that I can enjoy it more than what the past offered. I have made a couple of field trips catching insects, and already am coming out on top of my coworkers in the realm of being an awesome critter catcher. I know in the past my entomological leanings were made pretty obvious by some of the creepy things I have kept, like bees and roaches, but I find them all interesting on some level. The insects that are crushing the citrus industry right now are stupid little bugs, barely a few millimeters long, but in another 10 or 20 years, if nothing is done about them, they will have pretty much decimated every citrus plant in the state. This will be the worst production year on record since something along the lines of forty years, and it is going to get worse before it gets better. So now is not the time to make big investments in anybody growing oranges or similar such fruit unless they have already created genetically modified trees some years back that are resistant to this particular plague. Whatever the case, I hope that my own methods of dealing with such problems work out ok once I have my own trees planted. Lilah and I are working on getting some ground broken for a little spice and veggie garden, along with my effort to create a butterfly garden for her. She has waited far too long for such and it is time for me to help foster the next generation green thumb. Riley shows some interest in such things, but I suspect he will be more technically inclined and will more enjoy the lab aspects of growing things. Lilah is very much my artsy, earthy little soul and I know she will likely be the one to always help me in the garden. I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t looking forward to that rather much. Amelia still shows signs of being an extremely intelligent little person, but that red hair seems such an impediment towards her being reasonable yet. She is sure she knows exactly what she is doing and damns the input of anyone that tries to tell her otherwise. Damn them loudly and with much anger whilst on the subject. Goodness she is such a towering temper in such a little person! I hope with time I can get her to mellow out some, and there are signs she might eventually grow to be more reasonable, but she really is making sure that I have no more children.
On the note of no more children, I will quite likely have state funded health insurance again starting next month and then can resume my pursuit of an end to any future worries about “accidents” along those lines. It will be a nice thing to no longer have to worry about it, though I have to admit to something of a sin along those lines. I was at a lunch with the lab staff wishing a departing coworker a farewell, and another coworker there had a two month old-ish baby. My maternal instincts and “baby love” all kicked in before I even saw the child because it turns out I can smell them. If nothing else proved that something is a bit akimbo with my genes and what general makes a “normal” male, then the fact that I smell babies and go all wonky starry eyed over them should be proof enough. I think I will have to make a habit of avoiding such circumstance in the future because it is strangely painful to me to never have a little one of my very own again. I know all of this probably only makes you laugh at me and perhaps feel like maybe we should not be friends anymore (kidding) but it is something of a catharsis for me to talk about it. I suppose it is all the more reason for me to get fixed though, so that my ridiculous wants and crazy high virility can be curbed for sure.
I have told you many times how, why, and the depth of how much I miss you. I worry though that I have not said enough about what makes me miss you so much. I miss the friendship most of all. I miss knowing for sure there is someone out in the world who thinks of me regularly and trusts that I think deeply of her. Yes I have that once already in my life, but being so much of a loner for so many years, I feel keenly the absence of anyone really caring for me. Even now I am increasingly convinced that my family has pretty much written me off, and cares not a whit about me. While I know you do care, and you think of me, it is painful to have had that and it dwindled into such painful anemia as how we find ourselves presently. You are a good person who has made an amazing impression on my life. You have shown me much about myself and reinforced many things I had been told before that have created a greater sense of self-worth and self-awareness. I know who you are, and how amazing a person you are, and that makes your valuation of me all the more powerful. You have a strength in you that is rarely seen in this world. You have dealt with pain, hardship, and troubles and created from them a person who has grown better instead of diminished as so many are. In every opportunity to become less of a person, you seem to create a more beautiful version of yourself. I am dutifully aware of how you are likely selling short what I am saying, but I feel it is another version of “give someone enough rope.” You see a wonderful person in me, and I have my doubts, but I have grown to accept and enjoy that you see that in me. It is my hope that you too will eventually appreciate and perhaps even incorporate these things I see into your self-image. You are a marvel to me in this world of disappointments. I hope that my presence in your life is still a positive one. I do most dearly hope that the passage of time has not entirely eroded your opinion of me nor put me out of your mind too much. I miss you my beautiful, wonderful friend, and I will keep waiting on a better future so long as it takes to get there. Always.