It was one of those random occurrences that reminds a person of of how they miss a beloved friend. She reminded me of you, and my heart gave a painful lurch at the idea. It was not even that there was such a tremendous resemblance, more of a passing one. Even that gentle nudge towards wishing to see you was enough that I felt tears well up. I wonder at times if you really know how deeply our friendship affects me? Do you know how I pine for a return to any level at all of our being able to talk? My heart filled with the same sort of butterflies as one experiences when thinking of a first time meeting all over again. You recently spoke of not allowing the reaction you imagined me hopeful of, and I am forced to question what reaction you thought me expecting? I knew then and remember still that I must keep you safe, so your reactions and my own have to be a certain way. I owe you so much, and keeping to the rules you set is a very small price in my mind. I wish a future where you were free to speak to whomever you wish were an option, but I will gladly take whatever portion of you that circumstance allows. I love you, and I hope time is proving that. I hope that even in my doubts and recovery from them you see me always holding to hope, even if fear occasional gets hold of me. I value you for all that you are, even as you doubt it and wonder at your own worth. You call me patient, and I imagine it could be seen that way, but my personal view of it is a touch different. You are worth it to me. It has ever been your habit of doubting yourself and what you mean both in the world and to me. I keep writing because to do otherwise is to sever from my life one of the greatest single loves and friendships I have ever experienced. You are worth waiting for, worth painful long silences, worth the pains of passerbys reminding me of you, and always worth keeping in my heart. It is patience only in the same way one must keep holding one’s breath until reaching the surface. Soon I will be able to look past mere survival here and to my dreams for the future. I will build a future that you can be a part of, and we will find a way to be openly friends someday. I will make this so, no matter the time or pains it takes to accomplish the task. Patience is promoted by love, and I fervently hope you know by now how I feel for you. I hope to dream of you soon, while I can do so and not feel guilt at it. I miss you terribly.
After trying to get my ducks in a row with it today, I feel a bit more hopeful and even have given notice here. My official new title will be Biological Scientist and the jist of the job is to be an all around lab manager whilst also being a plant and bug expert. I wish I felt as you do about deserving anything… I do not know what or if I deserve the first thing out of life. What makes me deserving? I am just one more human trying to live in this poor overly taxed world. I wish I could still call on anyone in the wider world as a friend, but I do not feel deserving of even that.
I believe the old phrase “it will get worse before it gets better” applies here. The new position is still in the offing, and things have moved along to the point of my getting an offer letter, but… Why does there always have to be a “but?” Anyway, there seems a little hesitancy or issue from my hopeful new employer. Perhaps it is merely me misinterpreting, and hopefully it should be resolved by Monday. Sarah is being optimistic for both of us, which is good. I am so scared that this opportunity will dissolve before I even take it that it even colors my dreams. I deeply fear giving notice here and then losing the spot I am to be moving in to.
We have personal issues too. The air in the house is out, my checks from the state are not here yet, and even gas in the vehicles is running low. Relief is in sight, but it has been so long coming that it is getting hard to even keep limping towards it. We have stretched and strained near to breaking, and only our damned toughness and unrelenting will to keep fighting makes us trudge on. Another proof of our damned unwillingness to ever back down or stay dead.
Missing you. Worried about the weeks of silence and no posting.
I have been offered an awesome new job! Way better pay, back in Tampa area, great benefits, and in work I will find personally fulfilling more than anything I have ever done! Karma has smiled upon me finally, and we will soon begin building our little wonderland. I will be working in research again, but this time with plants, bugs, and not completely a little bitch. I will be the lab manager and have a couple of little minions to order around. T’will surely be an effort to keep from abusing my power over the underlings, but I shall try to be a magnanimous ruler. Lol! Really I have to admit being a little in shock at it. Things will finally change for us. I have cried over this, and gods how I wish I could call you. I will build that zombie proof property soon now. :) You are dearly missed, as has been in sadness, and now in happiness. Always I will keep a vigil for your return. Hugs!
I do not know if anyone reads or cares, but I keep trying. I will do so until I am told by those that matter that I should stop, or until circumstance renders me unable.
The job is just that in ways so far; a job in several negative senses of the word. When I become more proficient in all aspects of it, it will be better, since I will operate more or less independently of much of the rest of the staff. At that point I will be in the office some few hours each week, and the rest of the time I will be in the woods doing my own thing. I have already met a few snakes, a bear, some smaller gators, and enough mosquitos to airlift a truck. The office has politics of course, but I see myself as enough of an outsider to avoid much of that. The kids finally have a good sized yard to play in, free of the concerns of too many neighbors. The rent on our site is only $58 per month, and I hope the electric will be quite low also.
There is some small chance I may be moving back that way, as kind of an insult to all the effort to get here. I was interviewed by phone about a lab position I had applied for with an entomology lab. I would get to play with plants and bugs all day, it would mean a 8000 per year raise, and the benefits would likely be better. There is also the fact that finding a place to make our own would be cheaper and easier up there. With that and the extra money, we could line up a spot for us in just a year or two more. That idea alone makes me sure I would likely jump on that job were it offered. My feelings at jumping out of a job I just started are a little sore, but opportunity does not wait, right?
I hope things are ok with you, and whilst there is much I might wish to say, the lingering silence from all I care for worries me deeply. So much of me worries that I keep my vigil of love and devotion for no reason, especially as I write letters to an unresponsive computer screen, but I promised. I dream still, and while some of those dreams pain me oddly, at least it is a way to hear and see you once more. I fear you will or do see my devotion in ugly ways like some in your past. I am no terrible stalker, but I fear perhaps that you see me that way?
So many years we spent building a friendship, and that seems to slowly be disappearing. You called me “still one of a kind” and I fear myself uniquely a fool. A hopeless romantic? The “good guy” who even loses friendship? I miss you. Sorry for my worries. Know that it is merely my bizarre way of keeping you in my mind at times? Please think better of me than I think of myself? Please know that it is my love and madness you still impassion? I long everyday for some word. I always will, so long as needed silence remains.