The disorganization one might expect from government is fully evident and makes my orientation rather scattered. I have already tromped through some rather deep swamps and ignored moccasins and alligators while working. Reliable internet access is 30 miles away until we can afford something else, so letters are being written and saved, while these short updates are pecked out on the phone. I am thinking of you. Always
As usual, we adapt and survive, but there have been difficulties. The house took some minor storm damage, and the first night was without electric. We have limited funds until my checks start flowing, but we are dealing with it all. They will someday refer to us as “unsinkable” I hope. :)
So the world keeps turning and I have finally found a new way forward for myself and those with me in this insane misadventure of a life. I do find some of the bleakness and fear starting to melt away a bit as my start date comes closer, but I suspect it will take some time to shake off all the effects of nearly two years of constant worry about our future which immediately followed ten years of working thankless shit work at the old job. I still have my regrets at how it all played out, but I suppose in the end, life is moving forward, despite all the difficulties. I also have taken note of how the experiences of the last few years have changed my outlook a bit. It is quite likely I have become a bit more mercenary in my outlook on work and the “professional” life. I am fully aware that this job is merely a stepping stone, and I will be pursuing advancement wherever it is comfortably possible. I will never be one of those people who is all about money, for such is just not a part of my overly sensitive romantic nature, but I’ll be damned if I come so close to letting go of all hope just for want to a decent job again. I knew starting over here would be hard, and it would seem I have grown a bit harder myself in response to the difficulties, but I have learned the larger lesson too. Whilst I am more resolved than ever, it would be difficult to say that I am any different in essence really. How much more willful can a person be that has fought death itself and won out by stubbornness? I see more that bigger picture and how many foolish battles I have allowed myself to be drawn into over the years. It is my suspicion that I will waste less energy and be more focused on proper goals henceforth. I have seen more and more clearly my past as well, and how many of those I find a part of it were my foolish efforts to find friendship in a world that is not ready for me. Who I am, and what I am prevents most from understanding me, much less really being a part of my life like I might wish. I doubt I will ever convince this world to allow me more than what I already have in the way of friendship, so my focus must now be on my own goals and happiness aside from that. I make Sarah happy, and she tells me that I am a pretty good dad that makes my kids happy inasmuch as a parent can for a child.
The work itself sounds like it will be up my alley, and I am hopeful that I can make more of an impact than might be expected of the new guy who is just hired in as extra labor. Dealing with exotic invasive plants will tap into my passion for land management and attempts to fix the problems created by our wretched species. I am told that will be my primary duty, but naturally I expect that I will get pulled to all manner of other things once I am officially on the payroll. Our income will double once I am on the clock, which means within a very short span of time we will be caught up on some of our neglected home repairs and shortly after saving up for the future. I am yet unsure where we will drop our roots here to start my nursery, but we are kind of taking the slow scenic tour of the state. If it happens that I get transferred to other places within the state, perhaps I will get the entire lay of the land in a few years and we can buy a place wherever seems best to us. It will naturally be coastal to a great extent, since I came all this way to be close to my first love anyway. Speaking of the sea and my love of her, it seems there is a tuition waiver program which would allow me to go back to school at the state universities. If I am allowed the time and option, that might be my ticket to change my stars and pursue a very old dream. I have ever loved the water, but seemed forever banished to the inland and the lack of anything to do with the ocean until the last few years. Now, with this possibility I behold, I have a renewed ability to perhaps become a student again late in life and return old dreams to life as a marine biologist or something similarly marine inclined. I have no idea how long it might take, but I imagine myself one day donning scuba gear in the pursuit of some odd bit of oceanic knowledge and find myself happy. Spending my days in the sea and my evenings with my family at the greenhouse or just hanging out is a beautiful idea. Who needs a large cadre of friends with such a life? I fear I will ever be more of a loner than my heart might wish, but perhaps that is for the best really. It seems that if I care for a person, I care too much, allow them to become so much a part of my heart that I can never escape my feelings for them. Such is made obvious by the following paragraph.
I dreamt of you the other night. It was not any kind of a naughty dream, nor anything one might label “mushy” and romantic, but to my tortured heart it was nevertheless extremely powerful. To my mind it makes obvious the depth that you are still a part of my daily life, no matter how rarely we get to communicate in any fashion any more. There is no truth to the old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” for me, for I have given you a place so deep in my soul that I see no way it could grow much deeper. I will never be able to claim that I have nobody to love in this world. I dreamt of simple things, but the poignancy of it all was heightened by how much I needed you to remember how strongly I concern myself with you and your happiness. I worry about you a great deal these days since I have heard and thus know so little. I am tormented by the fact that I cannot be anything in your life, yet you are still so much in my heart and mind. I brood on it, I am bothered to distraction by it, I swear at times that I would be better off without it, but ever to I lapse back into the knowledge that I am sworn forever to you. My soul somehow doesn’t break from the missing you, but my heart visits you in dreams both waking and in slumber. We walked along a moonlit beach, I held you close to me in moments when you had no fear of me nor my presence, we were friends without the fears that curtail, contain, and damage just being friends in love. It was a beautiful dream, but painful in what it draws into my mind heedless of reality. Sarah always tells me “do not give up hope” but I’ve no idea what there is to hope for. No matter what else may come, I hold you in my heart, and I always will. Soon I will be gone from this area, but still close at hand compared to the past, and it pains me to know I am moving further away again. I try to remember that it is a move forward though, towards an unknowable future, a future where you will always be in my heart. I miss you. I love you, my dear lost friend.